Ask Cremator

Got a BURNING QUESTION that requires advice from Cremator?

Deliver your questions:

Via a YouTube video, linked in the comment section

Call the catacombs at (424) 666 – ATAK








Mr. Cremator,

I have a few important questions to ask you. First how many pickled cabbages would I have to pay you to teach me how to play bass at the caliber you do. Or would you rather a home cooked meal of my family and friends. Second when can we expect the Icreamator cookbook to come out. Also I will personally cook my arm for you guys to play a show near me. thank you and good day

Mr. Bromentor


Dear Mr. Bromentor

If you can pick up a bass, you’re already playing it at the caliber I do. What the fuck, it has four strings, you hit it… is there some kind of technique I’m missing here? Whatever, you all worship me before I sup on the marrow in your bones. If you’re looking to cook a part of yourself, your arm is stupid. It’s lean on the meat and it will be hard to cook with only one limb. Better yet, cut of some juicy rump from your buttocks and sauté that in some butter and serve topped with cremé fraiche. Delicious!




Hey Cremator. I’m pretty hideous and I had a thought to make a hood. My face tends to send people into a frenzy of eye-gouging and I figured a hood would solve this… “problem”. Any thoughts


Hey No Name,

I can guarantee you that putting a hood on your head does nothing to stop mobs chasing you with pitchforks and torches. Of course, it doesn’t help when you’ve already eaten their dear grandma-ma. My thoughts on your ugly face is to kill yourself if you can’t handle it. Pussy.




Dear Cremator,

will Ghoul be releasing “Hang Ten” on CD?



What am I, a businessman? You’d have to ask Scotty Karate of Tankcrimes if his rent is late or not. If he can make a buck off of Hang Ten on CD, then it will likely come out on CD.





I just was wondering what your feelings were about the punk rock and metal people/music melding together in a delicious feast of asshole soup. What I’m trying to say is I’ve always liked thrash and punk and death all the good shit I crossover with all the so called genres(thrash,punk,hardcore what ever the fuck you call it.and some fuckers are like “you can’t do that” how should I deal with these sheep fuckers?

-Deadline Dallas


Dear Deadline Dallas

I don’t see race in this post-racial society… mostly because I’m retarded. And I don’t see genres. I scratch a bass guitar on my scrotum and call it music. If people call it thrash, metal, punk, or splatter thrash, I don’t see the difference. It’s all noise that brings me joy as I play it for future victims before I cook and eat them. Or just eat them… sometimes I like it raw. Sometimes you feel like eating a nut sack, sometimes you don’t. Tell your friends who don’t think metal heads should commune with crusty punks that they’ll all end up dead anyway so they should stop caring and start killing.




Dear Cremator,

Please make shirts bigger than 2XL. I am larger than your average
silver-back and I would like Ghoul shirts that fit me. You make 3XL shirts,
I give you money for shirts, you send me shirts, I wear shirts and
introduce new people to the sweet sounds of Ghoul. Also, will there be
another album in the near future? The current library of sounds that I do
have is getting repetitive. Now it’s making the raping of my hands seem


Asgardian Ejaculator


Dear Asgardian Ejaculator

While we’re making requests, can I request that you lose some god damned weight? Seriously, Creepsylvanian Airlines have the most uncomfortable planes already, lacking as they are in amenities such as cushions. Sitting next to a fatty boombalatty such as you or Digestor really makes the constant plane rides from Creepsylvania to Oakland to play shows rather uncomfortable. I think 2x is perfectly reasonable, and frankly, the way it would ride up your belly might be appealing to some chubby chasers.

We have just released Hang Ten and we have new music in the works. It will come out when we’re ready, because we don’t do this for you. We do it for all the drugs.




Dear Cremator,

I like ghoul. Now that im off your dick1.are you still giving advice?2. with all your songs about moshing and killing posers, will you actually not be girling out at a merch table like so many, or does ghoul live that shit?3. as for actual advice: how would you deal with a good chunk of your immediate friends turning into coffee shop working scarf wearing snobby faggot hipsters?? advice would be good sense ive hardly adressed this at all, other than complete isolaton from themTransmission Zero suckedass,

Mr. Fistero pass this on. Update that shit, cremators a smart guy


Dear Mr. Fistero

Thanks for polishing my knob. On to your questions… 1. Yes, I’m always willing to dispense authoritarian orders for those who cannot deal with life with the great success a genius like me manages. 2. I don’t know what “girling” out means… do you mean have a girl sell merch? To deny them the job is sexist, you cunt twat bitch. Or do you think Ghoul will wear dresses to sell t-shirts? Maybe you can give ME some advice, because I’m willing to wear a low cut blouse and show off my cleavage, aka, brutal burn scars, to sell more shirts. Ghoul may be madmen, but we’re also desperately poor capitalists willing to show some skin if it’ll make a few more bucks. 3. One should not be throwing around the word “faggot” disparagingly when one is so willing to polish the knobs of his favorite band. If all my friends turned into coffee shop workers, that would be a failure, because all my friends are cannibals who wear hoods and no one would buy coffee from them. I would, however, try to score some free lattes. When life throws you lemons, put lemon in your coffee. Actually, that’s terrible advice. But what else did you expect from me?




Dear Cremator,

Hey man, do you remember me? I rember you.I was the guy with the grizzled face and the lousy weed, and the really bad tattoo. Now, doing 20 to life for killing killing the guy that was humping my wife, so, I thought I’d write a letter to you. I used to work on a scallop boat, I made some money there. I used to do the I.V. coke, lost some money there. Down here in Jail, I do as I’m able. I got caught smokin’ crack so they cut off my cable. But could you drop by and maybe bust me out of here? And there’s one thing that I don’t understand,…I thought Creepsylvania was the home of the band…or do you just record your albums in Oakland? Don’t break up man, keep it together. I love you guys, I LOVE YOU GUYS!



Dear Revoc

It’s your dream come true. Your crummy fanzine got a Ghoul interview! You’ll ask the questions, it all goes to tape. But ask the wrong one and your ass will get raped! But not by a dude, that would be gay. But if that’s what the band wants I guess it’s O.K. We’re not going to rape you, so don’t you fret it. You brought a woman with you, and now she’s gonna get it! Cuz’ this is how we roll, this is what we do. We’re fucking your girlfriend right in front of you. And we know that’s not your girlfriend, by the way… She’s only with you because you got her backstage. And you also gave her money.




dear dudes, i have a few questions and a statement.

first off, ive had my dead girlfriend, and 3 and a half dead phillipino hookers under my bed. (the other half of one is still in my trunk haha) theyve been there for,,, like, 6 months and i want to prepare a massive feast for me, my family, new girlfriend and pets. the smells starting to get suspisious so i gotta do it soon. how would you go about preparing them? what can i do with the bones and finally should i make beaver appetizers?? im not a freak or anything, i just enjoy cooking… people that is… and for my statement: you guys fucking rule!! i love ghoul!! please let me know what i can do with the bodies and such… thanks dude!



Dear A hole

I’m assuming the Phillipino hookers are men, because that’s how you roll. Obviously, have a weenie roast. When you see your girlfriend eating a dead man’s roasted weenie, it’ll put you in such a rage that you’ll end up killing your family and your girlfriend and pets. That solves the problem of having to tell your family and your girlfriend and your pets about what’s happened. And yes, we do rule.




Dear Cremator,

if there was a mutant ganja plant with the munchies and there was mutant half man half keg of beer and they wanted to kill each other who do u think would win in a fight to the death? Personally i think they would team up and hunt down straight edge kids, but still there can only be one.



Dear Dick

Obviously, the beer would win, because pot is for pussies. Only hippy fuck tards smoke pot, and real men drink beer and swill booze and beat up the women they live with when their football team is losing a game. The ganja plant is too busy putting on a Bob Marley record and eating cheetos while the half man half keg of beer is fucking his mom in the other room. When the Bob Marley gets too loud, the half man half beer keg runs into his stepson’s room, the ganja plant, and beats him to death.




Dear Cremator,

what kind of bags do u guys wear as masks? i wanted to get one but i don’t know exactly what u guys use. where can i get them? hope to hear from you soon.



Dear fetus

Try any bag made of plastic. Don’t cut holes in it at first, just stick your head in and breathe heavily. Run down the street and keep breathing. If you can do that for 30 minutes, you know you have a good bag to turn into a Ghoul mask. Don’t forget to keep breathing as heavily as possibly while you’re head is in the bag.




Dear Cremator,

I picked up this roadkilled porcupine this morning. As far as I can tell, it’d been there for 3 weeks in the sun and is partially frozen since the weather finally decided to switch from “nice, warm fall weather” to “goddam fucking freezing”. How would you recommend cooking it?

-The Gravekeeper


Dear Gravekeeper

I’m a big proponent of the Raw Food diet. I highly suggest you let it fester for another three weeks, to maturate the extra protein, and then dig in. Well, after you pull out the needles. Don’t be stupid. That’s just unsafe!




Dear Cremator

What does cremator think of nardcore? and when am i gonna see ghoul shredin the pool? ghoul skate video



Dear Necrofornicator

Whatever you have to call yourself to feel good about what you play, sure, whatever. I like some of your so-called “nardcore” bands, such as Annihilation Time and Dr. Know. But how does “nardcore” suburbanite punk rock compare to true, real, cannibal splatterthrash! It DOESN’T! FUCK YOU ALL!

Love Cremator



Hey Cremator

Hey, I was wondering what Digestor and Dissector use for guitars/rigs? Is that Line 6 head a main, or a backup amp?

Kathy Bates


Dear Kathy

Neither one uses a Line 6. That may have been from us hijacking some other show and stealing the opening band’s equipment, as we’re not apt to travel with much while having to crawl through sewers and catacombs to our ultimate destinations.
When we have our own stuff back in our home under the cemetery, Digestor rocks on a Jackson Stealth or a Gibson V through either a Peavey 5150 or an Ampeg VH140. Dissector rocks on a Jackson Warrior through a Marshall 2000 (when it’s not broken)




Tsup Cremator

when the hell are you coming down to mexico to kill and rape some people, and probably if you have the chance play some fucking thrash????we have a couple of indigenous hostages ready to torture…



Dear CT

Have you seen the news lately? Mexico is scary as shit! I’d rather fight a gigantic robot, a cult of christians, a bounty hunter, and a bunch of black metal bands any day over heading to TJ or Juarez. I value my mutant cannibal life too much.





Hey. My right nut really hurts and it’s beginning to swell. I drink shit loads of beer and according to WebMD it could be a blood clot from my kidney that is lodged deep in my gonad. Any advice?

lucky lloyd

P.S. I sent you $12.50 yesterday. Where’s my fuckin’ shirt???


Dear lloyd
Lleave me allone about the llate shirt. I have llittle to do with the maill order for Ghoull. You’llll need to write a lletter with a llist of llaments to Digestor.

Llooking over your sellf-prognosis, I think you might be right. The cllot is onlly going to get worse, though, so realllly, you shoulld killll yoursellf.




Cher Cremator,

mon è et moi avons un groupe de thrash et nous finissons toujours par assassiner le lieu avec nos planches à roulettes, maintenant nous nous demandons comment nous allons envoyer leurs cadavres Ghoul comme une sorte de cadeau de Noël. Cremator comment puis-je aller prendre environ établi sa résidence comme un garde pour vous et les autres dans GHOUL? Je voudrais aussi savoir s’il est possible que vous assassiner ma copine à la date de sortie de votre prochain album?

Merci beacoup,



Cher Königstiger,

J’ai reçu votre missive trop tard. Noël est fini.
C’est dommage, car notre fête ne manquait certainement de nouvelles
cadavres. Mon assiette était remplie uniquement avec une vieille femme qui avait
mort depuis cinquante ans.

Je ne peux pas vous offrir un emploi comme garde, parce que nous avons mangé le dernier trois. Cela semble correct, mais le syndicat garde Creepsylvanian
a tendance à froncer le sourcil sur ce genre de relation de subordination.

Je n’ai pas besoin de tuer votre petite amie. Elle doit être morte
déjà à l’intérieur si elle vous datation.




Dear Cremator.

Two questions, love. First question. Do you think GHOUL will ever come to Ontario, Canada? Because I’d love that. Second question, I always wondered what it would be like to be married to a guy with no lower jawÉ So I’m going to be straight forward and ask. Will you marry me? I’d get one on one knee if I could, but I think getting down on two would be better if you catch my drift. 😉

Love, your future wife.


Dear your future wife,

Ghoul will never play in Canada. It’s nothing personal, but Dissector is allergic to beavers, and as we all know, beavers outnumber people at shows in Canada.

As for my own physical attributes, I can assure you mon ami, that my tongue is stronger than others in order to compensate for the loss of my lower jaw. Yes… a very strong tongue. That said, I’m a loner, YFW, a REBEL. Well, a loner, except for the four dudes I hang out with in this sausage fest of a band.












Dear Cremator,

Most recently I was shreddin a mini pipe whilst having the shits. Long story short, Went for a boneless to frontside air only to land and shit myself. How do I go about removing the stains from my underwear and jeans?

Also, how do you eat with no lower jaw?

Love B, from Canada!


Dear Canadian Domesticized Bee…

Don’t remove the stains. Let them dry and it’ll be like a natural butt flap to keep your rear warm while you spange.

I shove food down my food hole, just like an Irishman.




Dear Cremator,

How the fuck do i get u Ghouls to come down here in So Cal and play another fuckin show at the AWS in City of Industry.

Sincerely, The Sexiest Man On Earth

Dear Cremator,

You Suck. Alex Webster Is Better. How Can I Be Better Than Alex Webster?

Sincerely, Yo Momma


Open letter to MFDanzig

Thanks for your letters. They were boring and sucked. A mere insult about my bass playing is really not interesting, nor is a singular call out for Ghoul to play your town.

You are representative of the stupid and boring posers that I slay every day. Please, don’t waste my time to read your missives unless you have an actual question or something interesting to tell me.

Don’t try to be witty, don’t try your hand at clever jibes or insults. Trust me. You’re not smart, or you would already be dealing with a ton of idiots writing to YOU.




Dear Cremator

1. Is there any chances to visit Serbia?

2. When will next album come out?

3. What do you think about bands Hypocrisy, Slayer and At the gates?

4. Where I can find Grog?



Dear Killchain

1. There is a chance. And that chance sucks.

2. Sometime after it is recorded.

3. I think it is a shame to witness bands’ hypocrisy, they should remain true to themselves! If they can’t stay true, I’m for the bands’ slayer, for they should be dead! I get worried about bands at the gates after I make such statements, but I know I can take them on!

4. In a bar.




Dear Cremator,

I’ve a few questions that have been on my tiny Numbskull brain for a while.

I was listening to Splatterthrash the other day (Well, I listen to it EVERY day) and I was wondering which bands with “T-I-O-N” In their names Ghoul was talking about. Apparently they are into the new-school. And Posers.

Also, I was wondering, Since we’re both Sodom fans, Is Ghoul ever going to do a Sodom Cover? If it appeases the band, I will offer a Sacrifice of Several Emo Kids roasting on a pile of Blender and Unique Leader catalouges to hear you play Agent Orange, Witching Metal or Ausgebombt. (I’d say Outbreak of Evil but everyone does that one, Right?)

I’m currently trying to get my own band (Minejumper) started to play some old-school metal…
unfortunately No one in this general area of Southern Ontario likes Thrash Metal…All I can find are Opeth Fans who Think playing Fast, Blasphemic and Violent music Is “Untalented and Disgraceful.”

Should I-

A- Go Solo like Joel Grind? (props to Toxic Holocaust)

B- Destroy all those Opeth Fans?

C- Stick to Listening to Metal and not Creating it?

Your Ghoulish Advice would be appreciated!


Ghoulunatic Asylum paitient #40.


Dear Dez

I believe the name of that band we were talking about was Tion and Barley, a new school folk duo from Creepsylvania. Well, formerly from Creepsylvania. Now currently residing, after digestion, in a lavatory on the A-11 leading out of Creepsylvania.

We’ll never do a Sodom cover. It would desecrate the source material too much. HAIL SODOM!

First off, rename your band Minesweeper. Then you can hire the PC guy from the television commercials to join in on vocals. That’s a high profile member, and you’ll be able to immediately go out on tour and it’ll say, “Minesweeper, featuring John Hodgeman the PC guy!” on every flyer. No one will actually by a record, but like Dogstar and Keeanu Reeves, you might be able to get a few of the hot ass left overs once John Hodgeman the PC guy is done fucking them.




Dear Cremator,

Which in your opinion is better, Agent Orange or Persecution Mania?

Circle pits, not karate kicks,



Dear Matt,

Every Sodom album is of equal value, and you should own them all. But in order to not puss out of your question, I’m gonna go with Agent Orange, because Ausgebombt is one of my favorite Sodom songs.




How can i get Ghoul to play a show in Colorado? i have a venue, bands to play with, and i guarantee a huge turnout.




Dear Matt

Bring me the head of Pete Coors on a stick, and we will play Colorado.




Dear Cremator,

I’m going to cut the shit and go straight to the questions.

1. What’s your favorite death metal band?

2. What scales do Dissector and Digestor use in their solos?

3. Do any of you have long hair? Or any hair at all? I can’t tell with those fucking bags on your heads.

4. On the Band page it says Digestor has one eye, his right one… but in the picture it definitely looks like he still has his left. Why?

5. Which album was the hardest for you to record?

‘preciate it.


P.S. Who would win in a bar fight, Steve Digiorgio or Chris Reifert?


Dear Dave,

1. It’s a toss up between Pungent Stench, Autopsy, and Bolt Thrower. At least, select albums. You know what? Death metal sucks. Why can’t you ask me about my favorite funk-thrash bands? MORDRED MUST REUNITE!

2. I’m pretty sure they use drug scales in their solos, snorting at least a gram of pulverized bones before each recording session.

3. I have some bits and pieces of long hair, wherever my skull was not completely burnt by the fire after I killed my blacksmith boss back in the slums of Paris. Sometimes I like to braid them and put a nice bow on the end.

4. Digestor does have only one eye, his right. We really need to fix that bag to cover his glass eye instead of his working one, and maybe he would stop sucking so bad at guitar.
5. Considering I’m blacked out during our sessions after a couple 40s of Rot Gut and Numbskull, I can’t give you an answer. I can tell you that after Splatterthrash, my dick was completely covered in sores and scabs. According to Fermentor, I had said I wanted to bow my bass like a violin. This must’ve been especially hard, considering I had my bass under my chin. That could explain the stitches around the whole thing.

Steve Digiorgio sucks. Chris Reifert would not fight him, though, because they are friends. So I would jump in and break Steve’s hands. Then I would steal his gear.




Ok, number one: Do you eat those who’s metal is true? As in, am I at risk? Or do you consider metal heads not for eating?
Number two: I know theres a thread about this, but can you please, PLEASE, tab out some songs? Like some songs off of Splatterthrash, like As Your Casket Closes. You can use a program like powertab or guitar pro, and if you don’t feel like buying the latter you can pirate it. I’m a developing musician, and I just wanna see how to play Ghoul’s style so maybe I can try and incorporate it into my playing.

You’re awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome



Dear Gideon

Number one: I eat anyone who gets near when I’m whipping up a souffle or rue. Beware my French culinary skillz!

Number two: No.

Hoping you become a better listener,





Firstly, just got into you guys and I must say that you kick some serious ass. I only wish I knew about you guys earlier so I could’ve thrashed my brains out for longer. Anyhow, had a couple questions for you

1) I love metal, especially thrash and death, but I must say that punk rock is probably my favorite genre, if you made me pick one. Does Cremator/Ghoul dig any punk stuff?

2) If so, would you say you’re influenced by it?

3) Does Ghoul have political opinions, or does being mutilated thrashers just take the point out of worrying about politics?

4) (Since this is an advice column) I like tons of different styles of music, and try to write/perform in each one. Should I create a different band for each style, or just fuck what any potential audience would expect and release it all under one name?

Thanx and keep thrashing

Lizard Man

PS do you ever hit up Philadelphia?


Dear Lizard Man

1) I only like the punks in the ancient language, that is someone who is a harlot, prostitute, or libidinous homosexual. I think this definition pretty much fits you. So I like you. Also, the Dead Kennedys and the Misfits.

2) I’m absolutely influenced by my love for harlots and prostitutes.

3) What is politics? I only know I must eat the flesh from human corpses, sk8 the graveyard, and finally finish this Howard Zinn book that Mr. Fang lent me.

4) One band comes to mind when considering what advice to give you – Infectious Grooves. Do as thou wilt.




Dear Kremator,

I really enjoy hitting this thing they call a bass guitar but I cannot seem to nail the surf bass lines you create. Please give me a short crash course in surf bass for someone who lives too far from the beach and is too much of a kook to surf.

p.s. I know its uncool but please play a Portland show before 2012.

forever love pdxnumbskull


Dear pdxnumbskull

Why so afraid of 2012? Just because it’s the end of the Mayan calendar? Hm, come to think of it, it’s the end of the Ghoul calendar as well. I guess that means my plumed trouser snake is going to come out of hiding and KILL YOU ALL. I promise you this, yeeeeessss.

Sk8, mother fucker… fuck surfing… ride the waves of the pavement. It’s much more brutal. When you land, you eat dirt, not drink water. Don’t be a pussy. Also, rub your bass on your dick. Hit it with. NOW! It doesn’t help, but it makes me laugh to see you hurt! FUCKER!

love Cremator



So I have this girlfriend. She is Christian and Im a nihilist. How do i get her to forget her religious beliefs so i may “bang” her?

Also whats the best song or album to bang her to??



Dear Dudeguy

There is no better her way to make her forget than to kill her. After, you can bang to you heart’s content and never have to hear a peep about Jesus, Mary, or Joseph even. Plus, you won’t have to pull out and the world can be spared your defective seeding of an ignorant sheep.

I heartily recommend listening to some Tom Jones. It’ll put her corpse in the mood.




Dearest Cremator,





Dear kevin

I quit.




dear cremator,

i’m studying to be a clinical psychologist and i need some advice, i currently am going to a community college to get credits for transfer, i’m doing well in everything but math, when it comes down to it, i just cant sit still to do the math work, what should i do?


ps whats a good tempature to get metal for branding?


Dear maxi pad…

Take Adirol. It’s like the doping for college. Also, it’s good to take when you need to get a lot of cleaning done in your crypt.

As for branding, I have no idea… Cremator does not do branding, he only burns! BURNS! So, essentially, do not come to me to get branded as I will burn you down until you bones are as black as pitch.




Dear Ghoul

2 Questions.

1. Will yous really play a private (northern) NY show for tickets and coke-cola? (we have booze and good weed)

2. Dissector, should I trade the warrior wrmg for an ibanez xiphos?!?!? its rather blasphemous, but the 7 string is sexy.





Dear Skweegie
1. If you want us to play a private show, you will have to pay for plane tickets. That’s about all we require… not to mention fake IDs, a coyote to guide us, and anything else a cannibal mutant from Creepsylvania needs to evade the law.

2. Dissector can’t talk, seeing as how he is borne of witchy magick and maggot flesh, so I’ll have to answer for him. 7 strings are fucking gay gay gay gay. Get rid of it now, or move to Massachusetts and find yourself a nice husband.




I was curious, what do you think of the new wave of thrash coming in, and what are your favorite new thrash bands? I have been digging Skeletonwitch, Municipal Waste, and Blood Tsunami. And my stupid friends make fun of me for doing old school tricks like bonelesses and stuff. I do them stylishly and tastefully, so do you think they are fags or is it actually gay to pull a beanplant on the miniramp?

Worst Wishes,

Silas from Atlanta


Dear Silas

Your friends suck, apparently. You should pull off a jack-in-the-crack from their groin and finish with a snicker-doodle on their face. If that doesn’t convince them you have the toughest sk8, then drive it home with a fist-dick in the ass. That last one is not a sk8 trick, it would basically involve you punching their ass repeatedly. This is also colloquially known as a turkey punch. DO IT!

I like thrash. Some new stuff is good, like bands you’ve mentioned, and some stuff sucks. Like any genre of music, 90% of it sucks. That is the way of life. 90% of life sucks. It’s nice to find the corn in the poop, though, so keep looking through that toilet they call the record store.
I’d also recommend Engorged if you get a chance.




Cheers dude I’m in a bit of a moral quandary here.

My boss is a total douchebag sleeze. He is constantly making gnarly sexual comments about underage girls that come into the store, and he is almost 60. Now I’m no model citizen or anything, but I’d like to consider my self an honest and at least somewhat wholesome thrasher. I just really don’t know what to do with this guy. He’s a total perv, and on top of that he treats all the dudes at work like shit while tries to get into the pants of any girl he sees… of course that never works since he looks like a midget with a perm.

Furthermore the guy has a young daughter, which makes the whole wanting underage poon thing waaaaaaay more disgusting.

Like I said, I’m no fucking Dudley Do-Right, but this guy is a serious douche and his constant flow of sexually starved vomit that comes from his nasty fucking face is really getting on my last nerve.
Any advice?

–Iron Dave


Dear Iron Dave…

Your boss sounds like my kind of guy. Here’s what you should do, if he bothers you… shut him down. Get some of that underage pussy, get charged with statutory rape, spend a few years in the clink with your new boyfriend who calls you Sally, and show him where his lecherous ways will lead him! Sure, you’re going to end up with a size 10 poop chute, but that’s the price to pay for your wholesomeness.

Or, find a new job. I’m sure that McDonald’s will get along fine without you manning the register.





It would appear that fate – or rather, my lack of common sense and lust for Ghoul – has bitten me in my tender asshole. I attempted to illegally download my favorite song, Psychoplasm, off of LimeWire and proceeded to get fucked by some sort of insidious virus. Do you have any software to recommend for the removal of this cancer? Or better yet, could you just send me the song? The place where I worked at got shut down; seeing as I’m now unsure of how I’m going to pay my rent, buying an album seems out of the question. If, through some bizarre twist of fate you decide to comply instead of mocking me and tearing my letter apart (although such degrading would be perfectly in order if coupled with you sending actually me the file), feel free to edit out everything past the first question mark, so as to keep nothings like me from begging for downloads.

Continue gouging puncture wounds in my grandmother with your serrated members,



Dear William

The answer is green.




Dear Mr./Doctor Cremator,

 First I would just like to ask, how are you doing? (Hopefully good). Now A few questions

1. What size shirts/shoes do you wear?

2. What’s your favourite thrash metal band?

3. Is Ghoul ever going to come to Northern Ontario?

I personally think that bathing is overrated, wearing no pants and listening to metal videos on youtube while eating pizza is a proper career choice.
I was thinking about eating cake in the grave yard tomorrow for my birthday. Do you think I should?
Thanks cremator, I love you.



Dear Zho…

I’m doing terribly… I’m a hideous mutant freak missing half of my face! Thanks for the reminder, FUCKER!

1. I don’t know. The Armani suit I stole from the corpse had all the tags ripped off.

2. Sodom

3. We’re planning an entire tour of the Yukon on Greenland, but sorry, no Ontario. That’d be far too pleasant.

Sure eat some cake. Pizza is over-rated though… try a soufflŽ, with some chilled Bordeaux.




Dear Cremator!

Have you ever thought of playing some shows here in Germany?? Digestor could visit his home town and we’ll surely find some dumbass Nazis to slay and rape their girlfriends… so when your new album comes out come to Germany… you can live at my home, I’ll organize some raw meat ^^




Dear Svenny and Squiggy,

We’ve thought about playing Germany, but really, you’ve all become such peace-niks, your hippy dippy patchouli oil smell makes us sick. In the meantime, we’ve had to play exclusively in America, the current home of war and fascism, with the smell of tank oil and crowd-control weaponry in the air. I do hear some things about this Balrog Obama, though, bringing change and hope to the American peoples. I’m not sure how a Balrog, mightiest of all the old demons, can bring hope to the American people, but we hope to dash it nonetheless.

As for Digestor’s home town, I think you bastards put on some giant rave there now, and though we like to think we’re undefeatable, nothing crushes Ghoul’s spirits more than techno beats and a bunch of sweaty people in neon-gear trying to touch us because they’re on E. GAH!




dearest cremator,

i dont know what members in ghoul are in impaled but i have heard from my grandma that a couple of you from ghoul are in impaled so what i would like to know is why both of you exist simultaneously? your virtually the same band to me, minus impaled sounding a little more grind. dont get me wrong, i love ghoul and impaled isnt half bad also but just let me know soon before my grandma finds out im a poser and takes away my ipod.


lance dobbie


Dearest Lance-a-little,

None of us are in Impaled Nazarene, Impaled Northern Moon Forest, Impaler, and none of us even drives an Impala, so I have no clue what you’re talking about. Ghoul is as Ghoul always has been, a bunch of mutant freaks from Creepsylvania bent on destroying your ear drums and turning a quick Euro so we can afford more white sneakers. Until we make that money, we’ll just have to kill all these retro-thrash poseurs who actually think white sneakers is a good fashion choice.

Yes, I am concerned about fashion. I’m French, mon dieu!




im a big fan of hardcore and thrash and i totally worship GHOUL. I also love horror movies, but lately, they fucking suck. i always end up watching the old slasher classics. what is your advice on where to find some good sick fucking horror shit to watch?

also, im 20 and i’d really like to skate but i feel like im too old for it.

Sergio from mexico.

p.s. come to mexico


Dear Sergio

You’re never too old to skate unless you have no legs.

As for old movies, I really enjoy the government stock films about how to torture. So funny! If you really want to be horrified, I also recommend the Pauly Shore box DVD set. Chilling to the bone!




Dear Cremator

Why is Alex Webster better than you on Bass?how can i be as good as Alex Webster and not suck on bass like you?By the way,my brothers barely eighteen but he’s having a kid already…..that foo fucked up.what the fuck kind of advice would you give em.?


bassist better than Cremator but not Alex Webster.


Dear Weenis Jose…

You look like a tool.

Are you riding in the back of the car because your pimp is dropping you off to suck some massive man meat in order to get a little money for some smack? Make sure he doesn’t slap that pretty little face of yours with his rings on, again…




Dear Cremator

So the lineup for my thrash band is near complete, and my place in the band is to sing, but I thought it would be awesome to bring my accordion into the band. Anyhow, my question is, how would I go about incorporating an accordion into the band, I think that it has potential to sound good, I’ve been playing around with it a lot and can play some songs, but I’m still not quite sure how to go about making thrashcordion successful. I was thinking that I could try to play some more horror – haunted house organ type riffs. What is your opinion?



Dear Gabe

Ask Away… If that bad ass French Canadian drummer can work in an accordion into Voivod, then it is officially bad ass. Also, Weird Al Yankovic is fucking awesome. Go for it.




Dear Cremator,

Will Ghoul ever cover GG Allin?



Dear Hail PDX,

GG Allin was a poser and a pussy. The answer is no, go fuck yourself.




Dear cremator,

I try to shred on my bass as hard as you do, but am unable to. I chalk it
up to lack of inspiration. What inspires the cremator to create such bone
chillingly metal riffs on his bass?

Love, Bassist not as good as cremator.


Dear Bassist not as good as cremator

You want to play good as the Cremator? Okay… first, try being conceived from the seed of 100 different whore fuckers in a womb filled with gonorrhea and ennui. Be born by slipping from your mother’s beef curtains onto a rusty carpet tack while she cooks turnip stew in a shanty near Paris. Then, be sold to a blacksmith who beats you regularly until you blow up his shop and in the process lose your lower jaw. Wander around Europe with children deriding you and people throwing rocks at your head. Fall into a grave and then join Ghoul when the other two mutants try to grave rob you.

Or face it… you’ll never be as good as me. Eat shit and die.




Dear Cremator,

I’ve been having a lot of trouble at home. All my brother does is sit around the house and listen to power metal. How do I get him to stop and help us do chores? It’s not like I have a sk8. He also tries to get me to smoke *herbal blends*. I can’t really think of anything to do. He’s older than me, but he’s weaker, and is worse than me on guitar. His favorite bands are Stratovarius and Dragonforce. It really pisses me off when I try to listen to Ghoul and he’s singing along to some retarded song.

Come to Maryland, and keep making fucking metal.

Your friend,


P.S. Do you listen to Napalm Death?



I love Napalm Death, obviously making me much better than your brother. We came to Maryland, and I ass raped your brother with a flaming hot poker. That should straighten him out. If that doesn’t work, try sucking his dick until he’s tired of it. That’ll make him listen to more manly music for sure.




dear cremator,

i have a problem, i tend to sit in front of a computer most of the day even when its nice out, i have no one else to hang out with, what should i do?

prisoner to the inside


Dear prisoner to the inside

You have the perfect life… you can spend all day killing elves and watching Chocolate Rain video remixes. Plus, you spare society having to see your pimply pock marked face. Thanks!




Dear Cremator,

What songs should I recomend to my friend. these songs can be singles, or just hella good songs.

-Broken Strat


Dear Broken Strat

Try some awesome songs like Manaiaxe, Bury the Hatchet, Splatterthrash, Tomb After Tomb, Numbskull, Graveyard Mosh… etc.




Dear Cremator

What is the most staisfying music to kill to and what is the most satisfying way to kill. I hae tried many of the methods mentioned on you albums and can’t work out which is the most satisfying




Dear Kissyourmotherpetyourdog…

My fellow Ghouls may disagree with me, but surely they are wrong and I am right, as I have the advice column. The most satisfying way to kill is with fire, be it with torch, molotov cocktail, or columbian necktie. Flamethrowers are cool, but they’re kind of a cheat. So don’t be a pussy… go kill someone with a hotfoot now.





uhhhhhhhh how do i buy more of your cds all i can find is splatterthrash

Jordan Smith



It is odd you should be able to write me an email, but apparently have never heard of the interwebs. It’s an astounding system whereby one has a home computing system that sends digital data packets off into a netherworld of data storage systems which respond to your home computer’s requests and demands with digital packets of information your computer can interpret to do things like buy old Ghoul CDs being auctioned off by another interwebs user, or find naked pictures of Hannah Montana. To sum it up, like Senator Ted Stevens of your Americunt explained it, it’s like a series of tubes.

Right now, Tank Crimes Records, those insidious bastards, have re-released our first two records. One day we will quell this blatant exploitation of Ghoul and dominate you all from behind our blooded-hoods, but until then you can probably order this re-release from





im drunk, and was wondering what type of blood goes best with whiskey?
also, does killing with an insatiable appetite ever tire you out? what do you do when you arent killing everything in sight?

– Devilishly Dastardly, Demolished, and Drunk in Dyersburg


Dear DDDDD (obviously a reference to the upcoming fourth installment of the Ben Affleck smash hit, Daredevil)

Obviously, Scotch blood goes best with whiskey. So, if you come across a Mc-Anyone, feel free to kill them and drain their blood and drink away. It’ll put hair on your chest and maybe improve your golf game. You may accidentally ingest Irish blood, and if you do, consult your doctor immediately for they are inhuman, poisonous beasts whose blood will cause your testicles to shrink.

Killing never tires me out, at least my own maniacal band of firebuggery. A torch up the ass is nothing but class. Fire does all the work. What’s really tiring is endlessly moshing to Anthrax’s Persistence of Time. Those synchopated beats make me dance funny. I prefer Spreading the Disease for a good ol’ circle pit, and that keeps Ghoul going all night long!




dear cremator,

I have been listening to your albums non stop at work for the last 3 weeks, and now I’m curious as to what other obscure awesome metal bands are out there that have influenced you guys. What bands should I check out to expand my metal palette?

Love, PDX Ghoulunatic.

PS. what is your favorite type of sack used to cover your disfigured face? It looks like you all use blood stained burlap sacks, just wondering


Dear PDX Ghoulunatic

You live in one of Ghoul’s favorite regions for good bands. Engorged, Funerot, Reeker, Splatterhouse, Menacer, Skarp, Book of Black Earth, Middian, Tragedy, From Ashes Rise, Tormentor… and that’s pretty much it. I don’t think there’s any other bands from that area that play anything like us… no other Disney-inspired surf rock bands, nope. There could be some lame shit heads that write songs about movies they watched, a highly original concept, or maybe even some bands that talk about how lame playing shows is and then turn around and start playing live shows. I don’t listen to such bands. Neither should you.




Dear Cremator

I enjoy eating babies by the dozen, even the premature ones. But nothing is better then incinerating French she-males and there shity art. I most enjoy listening to Ghoul and there eardrum destroying sounds. Keep slaughterring



Dear Adeadrock

Great. Good for you. I will keep on slaughterring (sic), starting with you.




Dear Cremator

This is jonny again i am now in high school and doing great, well not really because i have kipped most of my classes to go skate boarding or to find a innocent victim who’s flesh i could devour. about 2 days ago i was in deep thought on this question and i couldnt figure out what to do, then a ghoul song came on and i thought what would cremator do so i decided to write this. Well im not the brightest kid and i thought if i ate the brains of all my teachers would i gain their knowledge and if i ate the hearts of the good athletes could i gain heir courage and strength so what should i do?

Yours Truly Jonny


Dear Jonny

What are you, Mayan? Eating the hearts of will not give you courage and strength of the previous owners, but it will provide you with a diet rich in B vitamins.

Eating the brains of teachers, however, is a really bad idea. There’s a disease going around, Mad Cowllege Disease, and it’s only spread by eating the brains of college professors. If you do this, you will die a horrible, painful, and long death. You’ll find yourself drawn to a college campus, finding comfort only in dark, quiet places like a library, and you’ll be compelled to write papers and do research. In about fifty, sixty years after this, you WILL DIE! Is that something you can risk? Just say no to eating teacher’s brains… grind them with your sk8.




Dear Cremator,

I made a song called Devoured by Parasites and i cant decide on what should be the artwork for it. Do you have any suggestions?

From Nick


Dear Nick,

The most chilling of all parasites… children. That couple looks devoured by pain and misery, if you ask me.




Dear Mr. Cremator,

The Following Letter Is Sent On Behalf Of The Parents Of A 21 Year Old Male From An Undisclosed Place

Dear Ghoul,

I dont know what you did with our son, one day he comes in wearing your T-Shirts, The Next day He Buys A Skateboard, a week later i find 3 human fingers in his pocket when im doing his laundry, and have to clean up bloodstains. I was going to yell at him when he came back home but thats the problem, He didn’t! I Found a note in his room that says

“As your casket opens you see four hooded freaks
Laughter in the moonlight, horrifying shrieks
Two hundred years you’ve been rotting in this grave
And now you will awaken to become a willing slave “

He Used to answer to the name of Zack, but before his dissapearence, he went by the name Inseminator

please help me

– Zack’s Mother

P.S. – your music is filthy, it makes me feel like a dirty little mom


Dear… who sent this?

Cremator is terribly confused… was this sent by the mother? Or the Inseminator? Was the mother Inseminated? Cremator feels compelled to write an to another advice column… please mail this to dear Abby for me:

Dear Abby,

I’m stuck answering insipid questions from a moronic audience. How do I get out of this gig without killing myself?

Crushed in Creepsylvania





When is the new album coming out?


Dear Corey,

This is an advice column, so I’m going to advise you to look elsewhere for your answer. Up your butt and around the corner would be a good place to start.




Dear Cremator

What should I order next time I go out to lunch? What are your favorite tasty snacks?


Fatty O’Toole


Dear Fatty fat fat fat,

I enjoy ladies’ fingers, green eggs and hands, cop rinds, hair pie, and the occasional infant back rib. I think next time you go out you should order a stomach stapling, you fucking fat cow.

Much love,




dear cremator,

what sexual positions do you prefer when having sex with mulitple women ALL at the same time? i have come across this situation many times and have yet to find the right position in satisfying all parties.

Oh and I need some advice on how to make up some kvlt br00tal riffs like you.

Also,`I was wondering if ghoul are big Nirvana fans, I hear alot of Nirvana influence in your music.




Dear Fred Durst,

First off, thank you for that amazing cameo in Zoolander. Your appearance as a celebrity with no shelf-life at all really doesn’t date that film one bit.

As or sexual positions, Cremator has not had sex with a living woman in many years… like, ever. It’s hard to find a date when you don’t have a lower jaw or a bottom lip with which to make a kissy-face. I have laid down multiple times with many skeletonized corpses, however, and I’m pretty sure most of them were women. My favorite position is on top of the rib cage, where the cartilage sometimes lingers and provides a grumous lubrication of sorts, and with another skeleton rubbing my butthole with a femur on top of me.

I think we are heavily influenced by Nirvana, and that is to say we’d appreciate more hipster types blowing their heads off with shotguns and will play music to inspire this accordingly.




Dear Cremator,

What’s the best way to cauterize a profusely bleeding chainsaw wound? It’s kind of urgent…

Bleeding in VT


Dear Bleeding in VT

Thank you for asking a genuine question. Cremator prefers a fiery torch to cauterize all wounds. Some say a metal poker is more sanitary, but it’s hardly KVLT. I suggest a nice cedar torch. It has a delightful scent to it when it’s searing freshly excoriated flesh.

You’re from Vermont? Are you sure you don’t have a bleeding heart? CREMATOR MAKE POLITICAL JOKE! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!




Dear Cremator

Just your old pal Dan stopping by to share some scene points with a pal. How have you and the gang been lately? I thought I saw you on an escalator at the mall, but was too busy checking out hot sales to say hello.

Have you ever seen A Clockwork Orange? If you have, I just opened up my own narcotic-milk bar like the ones pictured in the film, you should stop by and let me and Ollie serve you the best brew in town. We’re getting pretty popular now too, why just the other day no other than Jeff Walker himself stopped by for a cool drink. I asked him to sing his new band’s cover of “Rockin in the Free World” for my guests, and he fell to his knees and began to cry. Apparantly he never made that album, and it was indeed a plot made by Michael Amott to try to destroy his career. Who knew?

Well I must be off, i’m using the computer at RadioShack and they’re getting pretty pissed

-Dan Miller


Dear Dan

You’re on one of those Superman Returns laptops? Excellent… that is much better than the computer I have, which is cobbled out of old bones and watch fobs I’ve procured from the Monte Noire Cemetery.

The rest of you letter is complete fucking nonsense. This is an advice column, and I’m going to advise you that no one cares about your tall tales. You’re a petty little piece of shit with nothing better to do than write to an obscure band. Buy a tee shirt from us and shove off already.

I hate you




Dear Mother fucker

You suck big ass dick at replying to questions, don’t see why you try.

-a REAL bass player
No im joking

You guys are BRUTAL!!!

Long live GHOUL!!!!!

– some bitch


Dear some bitch

I agree, you are a bitch. We are brutal.

I may suck at replying to questions, but at least I do. You write into a column called “ASK CREMATOR” and manage to complete an entire missive without actually asking me anything. Not one question. You suck at writing questions. Therefore I’m not replying to anything. I’m just informing you that I’m going to bend you over like the bitch you are and shove my giant mutated cock into your blown-out asshole and lay my hot, burning Cremator seed so deep you’ll be tasting it for weeks.





Dear Mr. Cremator Sir,

I am writing you on behalf of the Creepsylvanian mafia. It has come to our attention that you ghouls are in possession of some prime real estate underneath the Monte Noire Cemetery, and also that you guys like to eat dead people. That’s fuckin disgusting. Though not inefficient. Thusly, we would like to request a tour of your facilities, and if they are favorable to our needs, we would like to propose a partnership of sorts, in which we get use of your catacombs for certain… disposals, and in return, you freaks get alotta good meals out of it. Now understand, that this is to be a strictly confidential correspondence, and if you put any of this on your fruity little web site, dire consequences will be served. However I am sure nothing like that will happen soÉ whaddya say?


None o’ ya damn business


Dear Mr. Nunyabusiness…

Unfortunately, we cannot engage in such a deal. First off, those cement shoes get right in Fermentor’s way, as his favorite food is stinky corpse feet. Second of all, you mafiosos are really unpalatable to the rest of Ghoul, because your bodies all taste like lead and the bullet ridden flesh is bound to break what’s left of our teeth. Plus, you all eat pasta fazul. Gross.
So, how about instead, we come to your houses late in the night and put horse heads in your beds, and when you wake up screaming, we’ll shove broken beer bottles into your mouths and you can choke out garbled words like “mama mia!” and “fugeddaboutit” and “I’m a fucking stereotype” through blood and grue and vomit pouring forth right before you die.

Martin Scorcese sucks,




Dear Cremator,

I have a slight dilemma I guess you could say. You see, I’ve obtained quite the obsession for Ghoul and their music. And two of my favorite songs happen to be Maggot Hatchery and Sewer Chewer. So heres the problem:

I’ve been having major bug infestations lately (ants, flying ants, fruit flies, and maggots). Now maybe you know what the problem is. Well anyway, after I killed a batch of maggots I realized I would like to get one and try to raise it, if you will. So I haven’t had any maggots until this afternoon, and they were swarming in my garbage. And I jumped back for a second and my mom noticed what was in the garbage so while I ran to get a plastic clear container to farm a maggot or two in my mom already tied the bag. So I was upset. Then I noticed some on the ground so ran back to get the cup and she CRUSHED them. So I was like, “What the hell?! I said I wanted to raise one!” And her response was, “How stupid and disgusting can you be to want to raise maggots?!”

What should I do?


Stefko “Boneless in Chicago”

PS; I still await your arrival to Chicago… just skip the damned Cali shows! (I correctly used post script unlike sooome people)


Dear Bonerless in Chicago,

If you think you are anything more than stupid, than you are extra stupid.

Your mother is right. You cannot raise a maggot. You are raising a fly, first of all. The maggot is merely the larval stage of something that will eventually fly away from you and die in a day or two. Unless you have the powers of the Swamp Hag along with the incredibly toxic runoff from tar farms in your sewer, you’re shit out of luck.

Instead of worrying so much about having maggot pet, maybe you should check on that gerbil you shoved up your ass a few months ago.


P.S. We didn’t go to Chicago. There were no shows in California. We were supposed to be flown out, and the cost from Creepsylvania ended up being prohibitive to the promoter. End of story.



Dear Cremator,

First, I«m a brazilian fan of Ghoul, so, my english
it«s not very good, I«m really sorry about it.
Well, you guys are incredible, your sound is amazing(I
never have listen something like it), the clothes too,
but, I don«t have many informations here from Brazil.
I found the band in a site of mp3, and, at the first
time, listen the 3 albuns without end.

I really know that I have to buy the cds, and I try,
but our laws of importations are shit. And I don«t
find in stores, underground or not, any cds,
information about the band. So, I«m a lonely brazilian
fan of Ghoul, that«s asking now, if the band will
someday come to Brazil. No, we don«t have only monkeys
and things like that. Sepultura is from Brazil.
At least, I want to gongratulate you, you are the

Well, I«m sorry for all the errors, and I hope that I
have an answer, if no about the shows in Brazil, about
how I can buy shirts, cds, or, how I can obtain more
informations about you.

ps: Do you have msn or something like it?



First of all, P.S. stands for “post script” meaning that anything labeled “P.S.” is supposed to follow your signature. It’s like starting a letter off before the traditional greeting.

Dear Guilherme,

You’ve obviously found our site, and I’m told that someone has put up something called a “store” whereupon goods can be purchased for a transfer of funds by electronic means. These world wide interwebs really are something else, huh?

I’m not sure if we’ll ever make it to Brazil, but I’m told that not only are there monkeys like you there, but also there are she-males. There are also lots of she-males in France, but they are usually just called “French men.” That is why I had to leave that country and head to Creepsylvania, where the men are men and the ladies are practically men, too, what with all the hair protruding from their moles.

I don’t have MSN. Cremator has no sexual diseases, just the normal ones, like gout, rickets, scarlet fever, typhoid, and consumption.

P.S. This post script should have been after my farewell.

Yours, Cremator



Hey Cremator.

I just wanted to ask if you were trying to hide the fact that you guys are Impaled because you have to be stupid if you dont know that. I mean look, Sean McGrath is the president of the Ghoulunatics Asylum. And we all know Sean is the singer for Impaled so that would make him Digestor. And also when you guys come out to tune your instruments, you guys arent wearing your stuff and if you listen to Impaled you would know what you guys look like.

Impaled Fan In MARYLAND!!


Hey loser

Impaled are a bunch of sycophantic losers trying to steal from Ghoul’s sound and ride our coattails into stardom. You’d have to be stupid to not know THAT. Sean McGrath writes us a letter a day, telling us things like what he had for breakfast, how much he listens to Ghoul, how he wants to emigrate to Creepsylvania, and ack! All the advice he asks us, like what strings to use, what to say to his wife when he’s home late, what he should do about that big bully who gives him swirlies… it’s rather pathetic.

Digestor is rather sick of this McGrath character constantly trying to emulate him, right down to the exact same physical specifications.

I’m not sure what you mean about how we come out not wearing our “stuff” to tune our instruments. I don’t even know how to tune an instrument, and that’s nothing to say of how I don’t even know how to play it. We have a crew we kidnapped from the Creepsylvanian Department of Public Works. They set up all our equipment for us, as they have good experience with engineering all the tar cultivating machinery in Creepsylvanian farms. You’ll recognize them from their blue jumpsuits. They do this, because we are usually busy having our group prayer right before we hit the stage.




Dear Cremator,

Ghoul needs to come back to Burnt Ramen. It’s been almost a year, and the last show you played there you didn’t even get to finish before the cops came. I want more.

– Unsatisfied


Dear Unsatisfied

I know it is hard to live without Ghoul… we have that certain jenais se pas… no, jena sai qua non… shit, my French has gotten really bad.

Maybe you should count your lucky stars you got to see Ghoul play live and you didn’t end up dead. Or even worse, the walking dead. You fucking Numbskull.




you guys should have played longer at MDF… no excuses



Dear Anonymous,

You should shut your fucking mouth before I rip it off your face. No excuses.




Dear Cremator

I am in junior high, i wanted to see what happened if i listened to overloading amounts of ghould so for three days straight i listened and on the third day i… welli dont really remember but i woke up in a cemetary with a skateboard and a bloody pickaxe in my hands, and now i have the overwhelming taste for flesh and an uncontrolable urge to skateboard all the time. so i was wondering what should i do to stop this or should i stay on the path im on?

Signed Jonny


Dear Jonny

You have chosen wisely, grasshopper. Ghoul are the happiest people on the planet, living like cockroaches under the sodden earth, our faces mutilated and our thirst for blood never quenched. I don’t think I could be any happier. When Cremator was a small boy in Paris, I long understood the “Secret” as popularized by the self-help book promoted on the Oprah show. I sent out my vibrations to the universe and really actualized my dreams through pro-active thought processes. After all, who wouldn’t want to be a sk8ting cannibal in the poorest of all European hamlets? Creepsylvania is where it’s at. You should come down here and party with us. Really. Join us. It’s so lonely here…




whats up cremator

first of all I want to say how much off a fan I am I went to your show on the 20th in corona. That shit blew me away, I was one of the foos that wanted to smoke you guys out with kush. But yeahfirst off all I wanted to know what i would have to do to get into the gore industry as I am an aspiring numbskull who has an obsetion with gore.I love blood and guts.And second I wanted to what kinda bass and amplification you use sence I am too an aspiring bass player.

Pleasent screams from Covina, Ca.


Dear Pleasent,

I’m glad you had a good time at the show. Did you see the limo I left in? Did you notice the scores of bling I wore? Did you happen to hear the bags of gold being dropped off outside of my dressing room?

So, what exactly inspired you to think that I’m the one to tell you about business? I’m not sure there is a gore industry, so much as their is a bunch of poor people being exploited by the booking and label industry. I would look into these avenues if you’re looking to make money.

I play a bass I made out of an ox skeleton and it is amplified by a small child I kick when I have bass breaks.




sup cremator,

can i ask how big your cock is… ? on second thought. you don’t have to answer that. also i am an aries. according to some site we are a match made in “heaven”. i expect you to show up at my door someday wielding a flamethrower.

luv gloria xoxo!



You’re a whore. I’m emailing you my home number.




Dear cremator,

I have a serious predicament on my hands. I have a really hot, close friend that I want to ask out but I I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend. How should I go about asking her out without losing a really cool friend or getting my ass kicked? -I’m not ugly or anything, I think I have a pretty good shot at her. And also, while I’m writing to you, I would like to ask you what you think about file sharing and illegally downloading?



Dear fukedincali,

You may not be ugly, but apparently, you are clueless. If you’ve been stuck outside her house in your car watching her every move, reading her mail, and sifting through her garbage, you should know by now whether or not she has a boyfriend. If you have not been doing these things, then you do not really love her. I highly suggest you find someone who inspires you enough that you scare her with your presence twenty-four hours a day. This is the Cremator way to love, the way of gay Paris.

That is not to say I’m gay, it just means Paris is. And by gay, I mean Paris shoves it’s Eiffel Tower into Rome’s Coliseum. You don’t even want to know where Italy sticks its boot.




Dear cremator,

Why the fuck is Dave Mustane such a fucking wuss all of a sudden. I saw him crying, YES CRYING on a Metallica video. He has also become some sort of christian preacher. I would have once voted for him for president but now i just wanna bitch slap him down a flight of stairs. this all very disillusioning.
Keep your horns in the air brother!

F. Mustane


Dear F.

I don’t know this person named Dave Mustane.

In completely unrelated news, the new Megadeth, that band fronted by Dave Mustaine, is crap.




Dear Cremator

Let me start off by saying you guys rock and nothing gets me more up for the day than listening to your awesome music in the morning. I am a junior in high-school in NYC and have recently been contemplating how much i really should care about my education. I feel that i would be much happier living a life dedicated to what i love: heavy metal, broads and brutal imagery. Does GHOUL feel that education is important? I mean, school is pretty bogus and filled with fuckin hippies, but i know it would probably benefit me later in life. I guess I could pull a V-tech and go kill them all but i kinda don’t wanna die before i get to see you guys play. Can heavy metal and education ever coexist cremator, or am i truly wasting my time?

hail satan


P.S. Im a bassist too because guitars are overrated…we are totally superior


Dear Jared

I don’t nothin’ about no education. Cremator was put to work in a forge at the tender age of two. Before I could even speak, I was handling wrought iron, red hot, with my bare hands. I was only allowed a diaper on my breaks, which I got at least once a week. As you can see, the working experience was great for me and I’ve turned out to be quite a success, feeding myself with corpse flesh and selling baubles I’ve stolen from these corpses so I can have some money to buy Piledriver vinyl.

By no means am I saying you shouldn’t get educated. I think there is plenty to learn in home ec, like how to cook a corpse. An economy course could help you in pricing baubles that you pilfer from corpses. If you take a course in science, it will help you understand why Piledriver is the absolute best band ever with a spiky head. Other than that, school is useless.




Dearest Cremator,

Being Friday the 13 (writing this on April 13) Friday the 13- Part 2 was on the television today.
I noticed that Jason’s mask was in fact a burlap sack with one eye cut out of it in order to hide his horribly disfigured face, yet still be able to see. Sound like anyone you know? Anyway, I was just wondering if this somehow inspired Ghoul’s infamous hood appearance. Speaking of hoods, why not a cardboard box or even a paper bag?

Sincerest Sincerities,



Dear Vomitbelch

You sound like you are having a smart ass, but your ass is not so smart. I know, because I will be kicking it.

Yes, there is some resemblance between our hoods and that of Mr. Voorhees. There is more of a resemblance between our hoods and the Tobacco Man from Redneck Zombies. Some passing similarities could be found between Ghoul and the Unknown Comic. Have you ever seen CB4 with Chris Rock and when they dress up as “the Bag Heads?” There is also resemblance between this Frito-Lay giveaway from the 1960s and our own appearance…

We might have gotten inspiration from all these things… or perhaps it was just the fact we found bags outside the Monte Noire Cemetery and half our faces are missing.




Hello there Cremator

I was feeling lonely so I proceeded to send you a tale. I awoke early last Sunday morning to cruise the neighborhood yard sales for hot finds and cool bargins; with my dog Ollie of course. I found a Carcass backpatch for 2 dollars of their Heartwork cd cover, and quickly bought it. When I got home, Ollie wouldn’t stop blasting his “Indy-Core Power Pop”, so I sowed the backpatch to his back. Instantly, he grew 5 feet taller and formed into a human-shape, but continued to go into a series of seizures followed by mild heart attacks and then proceeding into a 4 second coma. After awakening from his coma, appeared Seth Putnam of Anal Cunt where my dog once lay. I have stumbled on some sort of fascinating ritual used to summon Seth, orignally only used in ancient times when needed to build pryamids or carry slaves over to the States when a ship broke down.

Lots of love,


Dan Miller


Dear Dan Miller, if that is your real name…

Did Seth’s wheelchair appear? I find your joke about seizures and mild heart attacks and coma to be in very poor taste. In this case you should also add that the spirit of a young girl appeared to hit Seth in the face with a chair in revenge for all the chairs he has thrown in the face of other little girls. Maybe you didn’t do the ritual properly.

I think the worst part is you wasted a Heartwork back patch. Sure, it’s not the best Carcass album, but it’s still pretty good. What I did was scratch half of my copy of it, so only the good songs will play. Actually, I don’t have a copy of it, as I live in a cave underneath a cemetery and there’s no stereo… Ghoul just hums all our old favorite albums. So, I actually did the scratching thing to all my friends’ CDs. This is why Cremator no longer has friends. Take a lesson in my failure. Merde!




Dear cremator,

First off, to answer to what you responded to my question that I asked you, I am not ugly, I had jaw surgery since July 18 an I am handsome. By the way I now can pop my jaw out of the joint and pop it back in and it doesn’t hurt. Second, there are many things I am not good at my job. I am writing lyrics know for a band that I hope to join or to start one on my own. Ok, enough of that. I want to move out of my house, but I don’t really know wear to go. I have a friend in Uk that says that whenever I leave my house and go to uk, that I can come and live with him since he has rented a house there. My parents think that it’s practical to go there. Where is creepsylvania anyways? Do you and the guys hang out a lot? What do you like to do in your free time? For my free time I chat on the internet, write lyrics, go to movies and hang with friends. Is it true that you were raised by a blacksmith with one arm and no teeth? You like to play with fire! I like fire too. I am around it every day. I like burning almost anything that I can’t get in trouble with. Do you skateboard or do you use one to kill people with? Are you married? What type of music do you like? Do you listen to sliplnot, agoraphobic nosebleed, S.m.e.s. etc.? What does it take to become a ghoul like you.

Dear… uh… huh?

Stop writing me. It’s getting creepy. I’m going to get a restraining order against you. Face it… I just don’t play on your team, if you catch my drift.

Love (but not in that way),





Hey just curious i have a couple of questions…1. Who runs the myspace ghoul b.s.?2. UHH the new ghoul album it says to send a SASE to a certain address and get info on ghoul merch..Is that true cuz if so im sending something! 3. DO people really ask about relationship advices?! CRAZY i just actually got on ur website and checked it out..INTERESTING..UGH ALSO i think ive asked this before on gayspace…and i didnt get an answer!!!(mspace name Zombie Luvr) but when are u guys playing again! I CRAVE MORE!! OKAy im not going to ramble anymore but hope to hear from ya soon if not…ill be a very angry girl!



Dear _Nicole
My, you sure are a 1337. I’ve already learned English on top of my French and Creepsylvanian (basically, English with a heavy accent), and now I have to learn this online garbage? Terrible. What is wrong with you Americans? It’s no wonder the rest of the world thinks you all eat poop. Literally, that’s what they think. I suppose having tasted American “cuisine” I would agree. I much prefer to eat your corpses. Now, to answer your questions…

1. I think Digestor runs the Ghoul MySpace page. We have to break into the Creepsylvanian Public Library in order to use the computers. The town elders, however, are talking about putting up a firewall against MySpace, so Digestor will be really sad when he has to stop flirting online with Emogirl21. The birds are DYING!

2. Send an SASE and find out. Then we’ll have your ADDRESS.

3. No one has asked me for relationship advice. It’s usually blithering nonsense like this.

You best check out our shows page to see what shows we are playing, you goof. That’s what this fucking website is here for. We’re not selling pilfered goods from graves to pay for this for no reason.




dear Cremator,

i play the drums for a localy-known death metal band Savage Killings and need some advice. you see i always record tracks and practice on my friends drum set but he’s being a carnivorous asshole and wont let us rent out his stdio anymore, so it would seem that means stuck with 2 options 1: give up what i love doing 2: getting myself a drum-set. the problem is is that i don’t have the kind of money to get a drum set. i thought about going on a killing rampage and looting peoples homes but the problem with that is they never had anything valuable just like credit cards that are like privacy-protected and shit. So do you know what brand of drums are cheap but aren’t like total crap.

By the way i was thinking about taking my vacation in creepsylvania so do you know if i can like get a brochure at any travel agency??




Dear Getupandkill,

Stop being a pussy and save up some money to buy a drum set. You suck and obviously have no love for your craft if you’re not ready to be poor and dejected by society. Your friend is right to protect his set from a leech such as yourself. I wouldn’t let you drink the piss out of my toilet, frankly. So, man up and go buy a kit. Of course, Fermentor got his set by buying old scrap metal with the money he got from pawning off the jewelry he stole from corpses. After that, he stretched the skins himself from the same corpses. It’s this kind of Old World ingenuity that you obviously lack. Buy a Tama set.

I think you can find more on Creepsylvania in your local Travel Office. Most brochures simply say “don’t go.” I disagree… I think the foetid swamps stinking of rotten eggs are reason enough to visit our lovely land. Come on by the catacombs and we can assure it will be a trip you’ll never forget… or come home from.





Dear Cremator,

I have two problems that I need help sorting out. First I dumped my second girlfriend because she was possessive, territorial and calls me 150 times a day. Now Im alone and want a girlfriend in my life. I have tried many times and have been turned down. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I can’t get anyone to go out with me. I am nice polite, good manners and nothings working. What do you think I should do? Every time I get turned down It makes me want to kill someone or beat them up. Never did though. The Second thing is that my boss is an asswhole and will not promote me. I have worked at my job for 4 years and I know more than most employees. One employee who has only worked for 3 yrs is already a supervisor. He doesn’t know shit about what to do. I know more about supervising than he does. It makes me made that my boss did that to me. What should I do? Why not play here in Atlanta, Georgia. I’m sure there’s a lot of ghoul fans here including me. Its nice here, yet rainy and cold and most days are warm.




Dear Michael

First, learn to use spellcheck. I’m sure many girls have turned you down based on your incoherent English. I’m Creepsylvanian, and I can splel beteer then yuo.

Secondly, are you ugly? Have you considered this? In this case, you may be shooting to high. You might need to just try and go for an uglier girl. This is probably your problem at the job, too. You’re ugly, so you don’t get promoted. There is really only one suggestion I have for this situation. Put a hood on your head, start playing thrash metal, and kill people frequently. Hey! It worked for me, so who’re are you to disagree? You’re Michael, the girlfriendless, promotionless dick chump, that’s who. Say it loud, say it proud, you’re ugly and you’re proud.

Ghoul will never play in Atlanta. We have something against whatever it is you’re proud of there. This is truthful to say as we have something against everything. Fuck the world.

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator,

Me and some friends have decided to form a band, but there’s a serious problem with our town – it’s overrun with posers. So, we thought Ghoul would be the perfect band to ask for some advice. Got any tips on writing lethal mosh riffs that will summon an undead army of poser hungry zombies?
Ps. Is there a poser problem in Creepsylvania, or does Ghoul have it pretty much under control?


Corpse Shredder


Dear Corpse Shredder,

I would give you advice on how to write riffs as menacing as Ghoul, but then I would have to kill you. Actually, I plan on killing you anyway, so I’ll go ahead and reveal our secret. It’s a logorithm Digestor formulated on his Macintosh G5 utilizing Linux coding language that is compiled against population control records of the CIA following mass riots and disturbances perpetuated by electrical impulses and anhydronic contuberances which are left behind by radiolactative minurfactions from the solar fibulations emanating forth from the silconix nebulonic.

Love Cremator



hey do you listen to modest mouse, i know you guys are very kvlt nsbm but at least you gotta love the classics ps- i love your cover of mayhem’s freezing sun

Love, cYrUs da ViRuS


Dear Cedric the Entertainer,

Modest Mouse, yes, good stuff. But not as good as Mickey Mouse and the Surfriders. That is my favoritage tunes ever. GO SURF! Here in Creepsylvania, surf music is banned by law. You see, surf music was really the first rebellious music there ever was. Why just look at the history! In it’s pre-surf stage, instrumental rock musicians brought rock to a whole new level. Link Wray’s “Rumble” in 1954 is the first ever use of distortion. Link Wray invented the distorted sound by popping holes in his speaker cone with a pencil. It was said that the song would inspire actual bar fights.

Later on in the sixties, surf music would really take hold as the voice of rebellious youth. These youth would no longer stick around hanging out in their mothers’ basements, but they’d go outside to the beach, drink, and listen to the music embodied that zeitgeist. Surf rock would be the battery that empowered the youth that would lead protests in college against the Vietnam war. Surf rock would empower the youth of communist nations to start rebelling, and indeed the Berlin Wall was constructed to fight that powerful music. Even the Russians wished they all could be California girls.

Is it any kind of wonder how surf music could have led to heavy metal? What with the tremolo picking and the unheard of fast paced drum style, metal owes surf music a debt of gratitude for paving the way for it to exist. It was not unknown for Ozzy Osbourne to take to the waves off the coast of England around 1970. Okay, it was unknown, but he really did attend the Folsom St. Gay Fair in San Francisco that year. Draw your own conclusions.




Dear Cremator

I wanted to know if I could move into Ghoul’s catacombs and offer to pay half the rent yet never do it, and try to make ends meet with a bag of gummi worms. Of course my huge dalmation, Ollie, would have to move in also, and I’d be forced to take showers with him, not for beastiality, but for the price of saving money on the water bill. I would also require borrowing your car to drive down to the bank with my dog Ollie to park infront of the building wishing I had a bank account. Well I’ll be on my way, little kids don’t tickle themselves you know.


Dan Miller


Dear Myself,

Seriously, as an internationally known menace, as a legendary bassist, and as a horrifying freak uglier than even Britney Spears with her wonky fetal-acohol syndrome eyes, this is the kind of meandering, pointless shit you have to put up with? Really, me, you should require physical addresses from these nincompoops so we could go out and burn down their homes with them and their family inside. Their screams would be sweet, sweet music by which to drink wine and dine on a baguette with some brie cheese. The screams would only be slightly less loud as your own every time you have to read the inane blabberings of another flesh sack waste of life such as this.

I’m so sorry, me, that we were ever born. If life doesn’t come to much more than this soon, the suffering of others will not be adequate recompense for our own suffering. I promise, my sweet, that I’ll swing you where the little birdies sing… but only after we’ve killed everyone else on this page.

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator,

Creepsylvania seems like a nice place to visit. You know, a place to bring the kids.

I was wondering what the tourist attractions are. I want to visit this place that you fiendish necro-cannibals call home.


Oxidised Razor Masticator

P.S. I heard a rumor that Ghoul is not signed to Razorback anymore; is this true?


Dear Oxidised Razor Masticator,

Creepsylvania is a wonderful place… for us. Well, not so much since the Christo-Fascists took control, but before that it was a wonderland for the ghouls! There was plenty of gamy peasants dying all the time providing us with a veritable cornucopia of turnip fed corpses on which to feast. Here in the Monte Noire Cemetary, the flesh is always cold and laden with protein filled maggots. In the Volkor Mountains, there was a giant castle which had a majestic view of the tar fields. Alas, we kind of sort of accidentally blew it up. Svatoplunk Square used to be a wonderful place to go shopping. There was the charcoal store, and the grey paint store, and the thatched roof store, and if you were feeling really spunky, you could get some great nick-nacks at the Curio Shoppe. Unfortunately, they were usually the nick-nacks we’d plundered from another dead Creepsylvanian. That’s all changed though, since they put in a Disney Store. Bah. They also have a DVD store with the worst horror films you can imagine, all bootlegged by a porcine misanthrope with a flourescent complexion. It would be enough to make me vomit out my mouth, if I had anything resembling a lower jaw left.

Ghoul has never been “signed” to any label. We would never be so foolish as to sign any legal papers! Besides that, we don’t know how to write. I’m actually forcing a small child to type this before I kill him… help me! PLEASE MR. AMERICAN I am Kvatovar Blashenko, and I’m being held hostage to dictate for this evil man with a voice like the cookie monster, but he is not so nice oh he knows I’m typing something else! ACHHHH THAT’S MY SKULLCAP!!! B LARHAALJAKLSHN SLKJD HALSKJA HALKSJD

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator,

In the song “Ghoul Hunter” there is a section of lyrics that says something like “The quartet of maniacs forced me to listen to Anthrax and Megadeath”… How does one unwillingly listen to Anthrax?

PS. Do you have any experience in killing the undead? There’s a zombie living in my closet thats keeps trying to eat my brains while I’m asleep. It’s sorta like your Woobie, attaching to peoples heads and whatnot.


Wesley Wasted, Wasted in Lexington KY


Dear Wesley Wasted,

The Ghoul Hunter is a total square n00b, if you didn’t get that by his nasaly and most irritating voice. His voice makes me cringe. I hate it. I want to punch the face of that voice repeatedly and then shove hot iron pokers down it’s throat like some kind of mutilating cock for him to fellate.

As for your zombie problem, I think he is trying to make friends. Yessss… friends. Walk up to him and give him a big hug. Make sure to lay your head upon his chest ever so nicely and see what happens. I’m sure he’ll just adore your friendship and you can both go and play together at the park.

Hoping you end up undead,



dear cremator,

ghoul is the best band on the earth.u guys opened me
up to older thrash like anthrax and megadeth that
rock. but i get stereotyped alot by some of my family
cause i dont listen “hip hop”
see im afghan but i was born in the u.s.a.afghan
people listen to afghan music or either rap but shit i
more open minded than them i listen to
everything.thrash, splatterthrash, punk, grindcore,
metal, rap, and alot more. my mom thinks you guys are
fucking crazy but i say nooooooooooo u guys are
insane. come to vegas,show them a fucking lesson, ill
find a place were u guys can crash at and play


p.s. d.r.i is doing a show and i can go but my mom
said she has to come 2 what do i do? cuz i am going
into the pit and breakin someones nose


Dear John,

Dear John. Dear John. By the time you read these lines I’ll be gone. Life goes on, right or wrong. Now the sun is dead and gone. Dear John. Since we’ve sung love’s last song. Dear John.

It’s a big bummer you’re a rug. It’s going to make it very hard to break someone’s nose. Tell your mother Cremator will burn her vagina off if you do not get to go see D.R.I. Afterwards, we can all hang out and drink and then I will kill D.R.I. wrap them up in you and dump you all in a river.

loving hugs and kisses




Dear cremator,

I have really weird dreams! you seem like the only phyciatrist fit for me, so here goes. I had a dream that i woke up, and there were a bunch of witches with shotguns in my yard, and it pissed me off. i grabbed a sword, and for about a solid hour i got to mutilate random people. True dream! it was fun as hell too. so what should i do? is it a sign? was it some kind of delayed wet dream caused by listening to your music? oh and also. about this song ‘ghoul hunter’ did you get the zombie of william shatner to do the talk ing lyrics? hes some guy from star trek who started a shitty band.

Ps- you guys should tour with the bands frightmare, impaled, and gwar. call it something the bloody rape-a-thon and charge 20$ + a bucket of semen for tickets, id sure as hell go.

love hutch owens (not my name, an awesome book though)


Dear Owen In Your Love Hutch,

William Shatner is not dead, however, he did kill his estranged wife by drowning her, and then attempted to write a comedy about it. Like those brilliant thespians, Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson, however, he got away with it. I think this relates to your dream in that you see the witches with shotguns as potential mates who are trying to force you into a shotgun wedding. Instead, you mutilate them, freeing yourself of the bonds of matrimony. In the end, this means you are gay. Go with it, and be free to prance among tulips while wearing designer clothing.

We will never tour with those shitty, poserish bands. Those bands are fake. Ghoul is real! We are happier to stay here, stuck in our catacombs, watching horror movies, imbibing medicinal tonics, and talking shit on the Internet rather than going outside and seeing the sun. Leave Ghoul be. That is all.




Dear Cremator,

I find it odd that you, of all the numbskulls, should
be giving out advice of any kind, especially on
anything pertaining to sex and/or love and/or dating.
During our whole 30 seconds of head slamming, awkward
bonkery, do not think for one second that just because
you shot directly into my eye that I did not see that
ginormous mole on the tip of your deflated penis.
Nice try though. It’s amazing I could even see it at
all through all that hair! I know it’s “European” to
not shave one’s self, but I have no idea how
you’re-o-peeing when you pretty much have to rummage
around in some serious pubes to find anything remotely
penis like.

I would also re-think ever trying to give oral,
with… you know… missing your lower jaw and all. If I
wanted someone to drool directly in my crotchtal
region I would have hired a retard.
I especially like that when you noticed I was
completely bored, you proceeded to “Try something
different” and blow fire directly into my vagina.
Good idea in theory, if you did, in fact, intend on
killing me. Now no one will ever love me since you
turned my love pie into a blackened, gaping maw of
pulsating useless flesh.

On that note, I’m going to go ahead and sign this sans
nome de plume since I’m going to go kill myself anyway.

Never reproduce,



Dear Glamulator,

Seriously… mom, last time. Stop writing me here.




Esteemed Dripping-Tray-Under-Human-Barbecue,

Surely your decadent mind fails to comprehend the people’s high speech, but there is talk among the worker’s party to begin the summoning process that you may bring your implements of destruction to the greater Chicagoland area and exact your gore-infused flailings upon the well-deserved proletariat. Get in your gut-bus or whatever the hell you drive and bring whatever swill you find it necessary to imbue yourself with before performing for the masses. Do it soon or I fear this city will succumb to the army of Lollapalooza attendees and all progress made against the tides of polo-shirt trustfund babies is overrun. They bring synthesizers and armies of A&R executives! Do not allow this injustice to stand!

Your mom changes my colostomy bag,

The Glorious Protector and Harvester of Underage Asians Kim Jong-Dill


Dear TGPAHOUAKJD, if that is your real name…

Ghoul would love to come to Chicago. We hear the deep-dish pizza is great. We also love that you call yourself the “Windy” City. Ha ha ha ha!! If only you knew what that meant in the Creepsylvanian vernacular! You might shove ice pick in your eyeballs and sit on a running chainsaw for the mere shame of it. Fools!

Here’s my advice to you. Sell everything you own. Collect the money into an envelope and send it to Ghoul. And that’s it. Well… go sit on the chainsaw afterwards. We’ll have fun buying fourth copies of all our Anthrax and Megadeth records.

I kid, of course… be sure to go to Lollapalooza 56, where you’ll find us on the second stage skullfucking Perry Farrel’s decapitated head. Also make sure to come by our Henna booth where we’ll be handing out free punches in the face!




Dear Cremator,

I really appreciate the response i got, it was very um heart warming. Yeah i totally advertised on your page, it kicked ass. I have another question to suck away your time since i have nothing to do, In a street brawl who would win, Dr. Phil or Opera, also if you had the chance to devour any celebrity, political figure, something of that nature who would you. I was also curious if you guys wouldnt mind me making a music video for your guys or a little intro for your website, it will be in flash so yeah, im going to make it very bloody and gorey just the way videos should be, id make it in a couple of weeks from now due to the amount of resources i am limited to at my current location, let me know if its alright that i can make one.

-Nick Barthrash


Dear Nick

Really, I understand that Ghoul is the greatest band in the world, and that it is scientifically provable that Cremator is the sexiest of the Ghouls, but this kind of obsessive behavior you exhibit with writing me constantly really needs to end. Please, do not make me have to get a restraining order. Not only will this complicate both our lives, but forcing me to go to the Creepsylvanian Court House will really piss me off. The lines there are atrocious! If it isn’t Frau Skreutum complaining about that little Billy Spungbein masturbating to old issues of She-Hulk in her turnip patch or Herr Graubnut arguing about the tickets on his horse and buggy, it’s always something time consuming and pointless. What was I talking about?

Oh yes… to address your first inane pondering, Oprah would win. Oprah would pull up Dr. Phil’s underwear over his head, thereby cleaving his gigantic ass crack and making it even larger and bloodier, and then she would force Dr. Phil to drink his ass blood. Then she would reach into his chest, pull out his heart, and eat it in front of the man while he was still alive and absorb his strength while humiliating him. Do NOT fuck with Oprah.

As to your second query, by all means, give Ghoul your work for free. We could have paid you with Creepsylvanian sheckels, but all of those were taken by the Burgermeister to be smelted into a statue for the town square honoring St. Scheissmann, the patron saint of Creepsylvania and landfills.




Dear Cremator,

Recently, my friend as been thinking about some really serious questions like, “Who would win? Ghoul or Gwar in an epic battle?”
Because this dilemma has plagued his mind so long, he is even beginning to draw a comic about this fight! Do you have any advice for him?



Is it true that during a heated uno game you once crucified the whole band of Slipknot on up-side-down crosses?


Dear Kasra

My first piece of advice is to get a new name. Your current nome de plume is suggestive of the sound I make when I accidentally swallow a ring with my lady fingers.

I’ve never heard of Gwar. Is this some kind of music group? Cremator doesn’t know, because Cremator only listens to the single record in my collection, a slab of vinyl with the recorded sounds of cats being tortured and dying. I hate cats. Do you know why? Because I hate everything. If I could get a record of the sounds of you being tortured and dying, I think I would play this a lot, too.

As for the game of Uno to which you refer, it was actually an intervention. We had to explain to this person in a “scary” clown mask that clowns were not scary. They just aren’t. They’re not creepy, either, they’re just fucking clowns. There was a lot of crying, hugging, and then we killed and ate him.




Dear Mr. Cremator,

Me and my ladyfriend were talking about how mighty Ghoul is the other day, and thought about how great it would be to have Ghoul be the basis of a comic book series. The exploits of your quartet of creeps sound great in music form, and would be even better on paper. Will this come true, or will my dreams be crushed on the floor like the glasses of little Billy?

Yours Trvely,



Dear Josh

While Cremator finds it charming that you enjoy literature for children, he would remind you that words without pictures do exist. These things are called “books.” Notice the absence of the word “comic.” You should check out your local library sometime and try getting past the puerile abortion of intellect that is the “graphic novel.” Of course, I’m frequently in the Creepsylvania Public Library as Ghoul has to break in here to use the computers so we can send threatening messages to those who would exploit Ghoul! Also, there’s a fantastic section on gardening in here.

horticulturally yours,




yo mr.cremator

download aim so we can chat
if u do my s/n is bonghoilo90



Dear b4k4 n00b

LOLLERCAUST!!!!!!!1 U tihnk Cr3m4tor w00d tlak 2 a n00b like u? Puhl34ze… I am a hx00r and 57th l3v3l scene wyzzzard.

My advice is to get outside of your house and discover the miracle of sunlight. Your pasty skin could probably use some color but be careful of your eyes that have grown giant and bulbous from staring too long at the screen while playing World of Warcraft. I suggest some big sunglasses like those your grandmother wears. You remember your grandmother? She’s the one who endured great hardships through a world war, the depression, threat of nuclear annihilation, so that you could sit in front of a computer and forward your friends funny videos of people ghost riding the whip or putting Mentos in Diet Coke from YouTube. She’s the one you’ll see spinning INTO her grave.




Dear Cremator,

I’ve always really enjoyed Ghoul, and what you stand for. But I have a suggestion for new matieral. I think you guys need more cowbell, insted of 40 minutes of you guys playing, i want to hear 40 minutes of you guy playing with a cowbell behind all of it. Now, on to my next inquiry. Cremator, you madman, you have given me syphilis. And I’m very angry at you. I wish you death, and more sexually transmitted diseases. But until that day (hopefully after you put out like 37 more albums.) I will forever remember you as my hooded god. Not that I’m a homosexual or anything.


Digestor (aka. Jake is lost in Florida aka The New Floodville)


Dear not-Digestor,

Wow, that was an oh so clever nod to that underground and really KVLT show Saturday Night Live! My friend, your finger is so on the pulse of the undergound, I’m surprised you didn’t also make a clever nod to American Idol or Lost, two shows I’m sure only you and three other people have ever heard of. As for your syphilis, I take no blame in this. Like Morrissey, I take no pleasure in sexual activity and see it as a distraction from the important things in life. Unlike Morrissey, I see the important things in life as burning things, eating corpses, and grinding a half-pipe while swilling rot gut. My advice to you is to stop pimping yourself out on the streets to people wearing hoods. In your neck of the woods, there could be anyone under that hood from David Duke to Jeb Bush. Not good.




Dear Cremator,

I just started this question, asking, thing today and have the most random question to ask and it might sound lame. Two of my friends and they keep calling me non-stop every 5 minutes asking me dumb questions like:

Are you jacking of to my voice,( our voice), right now?

What you doing smoking crack or shooting up, because it sounds like it when you go mmmm all the time?

Are you thinking dirty things? etc., etc.

I think they’re flirting with me but it’s kind of getting annoying hearing the same thing over and over again.What should I do? Beat them with a bat until death or what???



Dear Michael,

Before I answer your question, I have a couple questions for you:

Are you jacking off to my letter, right now?

Are you smoking crack or shooting up, because it seems like it when you’re asking dumb questions all the time?

Are you thinking dirty things?

Are you jacking off to my letter, right now?

Are you smoking crack or shooting up, because it seems like it when you’re asking dumb questions all the time?

Are you thinking dirty things?

Are you jacking off to my letter, right now?

Are you smoking crack or shooting up, because it seems like it when you’re asking dumb questions all the time?

Are you thinking dirty things?

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator,

I have just recently discovered Ghoul and have instantly fallen dead from the awesomeness of Ghoul. I have one question, do you really like “Megadeath” and “Anthrax”? I mean, i know that is the metal that you grew up with but really… I hate them both. I love the song “Forbidden Crypts”
because of the truth it means to me, but WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!! They are almost as bad as the kids I killed today with a plastic knife and a spork- what a good lunch- because they listened to METALICA! fags… please tell me that you don’t aprove of the formentioned bands, ar least not now (anthrax is touring with ROB ZOMBIE). thanks and looking forward to seeing you guy at the Oregon grindcore fest…


P.S. You guys know that your Impaled with bags on your heads, right?


Dear Virus

Shall I cater all my musical tastes just to appease you? Is this what will make you happy, you purple monkey-butted slime gargler? Alright, Cremator only listens to the heaviest of all grind, bands so underground, you’ve never heard of them. I went with Trivium to a Japanese shirt shop and paid $100 each for the KVLTest of shirts, right before I killed Trivium (or tried to… they only got away because their hair gel was so slippery). I listen to Rapist from Chile and the one from Texas. I love Grotesqueing Formulaic Gagglesplitter from Austria. I really love Withered From the Trees Ashes Her Skull Lays Dying from Chicago. The best band out of Florida is easly Br00talica, and I really enjoy Zwrqwennnweetlkm from Norway. Now that I have proven I am KVLT enough, stop being a waste of life and go buy a Ghoul shirt.

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator

Yes I have quite a few problems, first of all after seeing way to many cheesy horror movies i accidently put my dog in the microwave and um yeah, now it stinks really bad, there is a big mess in the microwave and im way to lazy to clean it up. Is there anyway that mi familia will just ignore this or is there an easy clean up well even if its easy i wont do it bring that i need to go skateboard today at the cemetary. Which brings me onto my next problem, me and my fellow ghoulies keep getting kicked out everywhere by the piglets, we even got kicked out of an abandoned gas station!!!!! I would really like to devour those cops being that i like bacon and all, so now we have to skate at the cemetary its fun and all until you do too many stalls on a tombstone and knock it over, so yeah do you know of any good skate spots???? My last question is that Ghoul should come to the chilling and blood-curling state of NORTH CAROLINA and play a show with my band BODY SOIL! Yes if you do decide to come to n.c. to play with us or just play please do it after the month of july, i am up there visiting some fellow um…..people. So yes we are cool we have a myspace( so please check us out and tell me what you think, now i have some other things to attend to, so i will um talk to you later d(o)(o)d.

-Nick Barthrash(



Dear Nick

Congratulations on getting a super cool and hip myspace page. Now get off your ass and make a website, you nard gargling buttocks sniffer. You’re welcome for the free press in MY advice column. Everyone write to sick_nick_guy and tell him how cool you think he is.

Love Cremator



Dear Cremator,

i know youll have the solution i need….i was cruising around in my truck, and i seen this cute sexy little teenage girl. so i figured id pick her up and give her a lift. when she got in the truck she told me my music was cool (gorgasm). we got into some conversation about some stupid fucking job she works at, and i noticed she was staring at my cock for a good 5 minutes non-stop. so i whiped it out and had her ingugitate some of my man sausage, and she turned off my stereo which by now was decrepit birth, and the bitch put it on some faggy boy band shit. so my first reaction, instinct, was to slap the dumb bitch. her head flew back into the window and shattered my fucking window! she had a chunk of glass impaled in her eye, she hogtied, crying, hungry, kicking, screaming,…all that good shit, but do you know any party games that a person with one eye enjoys playing? id figure youd know sinse your with Digestor, and Fermentor.. i know digestor and fermentor know how to have some good ol’ one-eyed fun….any suggestions?

-singed Bored in Upsate New York


Dear Bored in Upstate New York,

Gorgasm isn’t cool.




Dear Cremator,

Recently, my girlfriend left me for a hipster, art-grind faggot. I am at total loss and I just don’t know what to do. I was hoping that you could suggest some brutal methods of torturing and killing them both, because i just can’t be creative lately. So I figure “Hey, who better to ask than Ghoul?” So if you could let me know some good, messy ways to get rid of a couple of artsy scene-trash kids, that would rule. And also, do you want any of the organs when i’m done?

– Matt in ATL Gore-gia


Dear Matt,

As a Ghoul fan you are going to have to get used to girls leaving you, ignoring you, spraying you with mace, etc. The fact that you had a girlfriend is a miracle, and you should thank whatever God you believe in that you at least have that memory to hold onto. In fact, seeing as how you’ve sunk so low as to actually write in to an advice column, you might as well put your genitals in a box, bury them somewhere, and forget about them. The only solace you can take is that when the “Grunge” revival happens in a few years, your trendy ex-girlfriend and her new poser buddy will be at the forefront, playing hacky sack and listening to Seven Mary Three on their flannel-print iPods. My advice is to let them live in their misery.




Dear Cremator,

I just recently killed my mom using my skateboard as an axe. But, i’m not sure what to do with the body. It’s been chilling in my living room watching re-runs of Friends for a week, now. It’s really starting to smell up the place, and any time i bring a young female over, she gets freaked out by the smell. What do i do with the body?

signed, getting sick of the smell in NC


Dear GSOTMINC (that sucks)

You used a skateboard as an axe? That’s just ridiculous. It should be used as a bludgeon, not an axe.

First off, get that body away from the reruns of “Friends” as you will find this is largely where the stench is coming from. After that I suggest you get some KY Jelly and liberally lube the decrepit vagina of your dead mother. Now, have sex with the corpse.

You see, now you no longer have to get rid of the body, or have girls over. Again, Cremator is GENIUS!!!




Dear CreamPUFF…

I think you are a weak, pathetic, smelly, insolent, filthy, worthless SISSY… and I’d love to put you over My knee and spank you till you scream like a schoolgirl on a first date with the winning football team. I’ve read your column for some time now and believe your crude behaviour is a desperate cry for psycholigcal help (and more than likely an occasional free BEER, as well.) you poor slob… I’d be more angry with you than I am, but instead I really must pity you. you really have no clue how barbaric and uncivilized you really are. you simply know no other way to exist, you poor sad wretched excuse for a living thing… and I DO mean THING. Do the world a favor…. Take that tattered bag off your head, put down the beer, go get a proper shave, and for gods sake BATHE more than once a year! Tell those other childish, jibbering, whining mongrels in Ghoul to do the same!

Signed, DOMME-inique in the Northwest


Dear Mom,

I told you to stop writing me here! GAAAWH!




Dear Cremator,

I would imagine having no lower jaw would allow for a much more agile tongue. This in turn would probably make you amazing at preforming cunnilingus. Perhaps this explains why the ladies love Cremator so much?

 -Orally Obsessed in Ohio


Dear OOO,

You claim to know much about Cremator, despite never having seen me without my dreaded hood on. In fact, the last person to see me without my hood on was my wet nurse. That was two weeks ago, and I’ve killed her since.

One thing you are right about however is my incredible skill with cunnilingus. This is not hard to surmise, however, as I am a bassist. Like Gene Simmons, all bassists are blessed with long tongues. It’s how we know we are destined to be bassists. It is a little known fact that Paul McArtney played all of Ringo’s drum fills using his tongue. He played Ringo’s nose like a cowbell.

In fact, bassists are blessed with tremendous skill in all areas of pleasuring the more delicate gender. You see, long tongues are not the only long appendage with which we are blessed.

If you would like to impress the ladies like Cremator, hide a hot dog in your mouth before going down and… you get the idea. Also, some Drakkar would be nice.




Dear Cremator,

I must thank you for this “Public Service” you are doing with your page, you should be nominated for a Nobelish prize, or something. I mean you help the sexually confused, the handicraped, and those good fer nuthin Arizonans (which count as the handicraped anyway). You put that bald fattie Dr. Phil to shame!

But here’s my problem, there’s this thing stuck to my head. It’s really hairy, and it smells really bad. Worts of all, when I get really stoned, it starts to talk to me! Any ideas as how to get it off? I cut it once in a wile, but it just grows back! What the fuck should I do? I think it stole my car keys.

What was I writing about?

Stoned in Portland


Dear SIP,

You found my woobie!

Give me back my woobie, you heartless bastard. I have not been able to sleep properly without it. Oh, the hairy little thing, growing out of heads, being ever so stinky as I cuddle up next to it right before I take a little Cremator slumber… my woobie comes with me in my dreams and protects me from Officer Yanish Dobrunkum and that vile Ghoul Hunter.

I will find you in Portland, steal back my woobie and all your PBR. Then I will go to Union Jacks and dance with all the naked ladies. My woobie and I are unconquerable!




Dear Cremator….

My name is Paula Ann Shorthand. I am founder and president of The Thalidomide Babies of America or TBA. Someone alerted me today to your ghastly column where a young man with this syndrome reached out (pardon the expression) for your help and his hand was slapped away in an insulting and degrading manner. I have posted the following article for you to read and hopefully take to heart. This affliction has really damaged my relationships (I dont have the ability to give a proper handjob) and has,needless to say,taken its toll on my self esteem (look at my arms, for christ’s sake!)

I dont think I need to tell you that it took an extraordinary amount of time for me to type this letter. I cant reach the keyboard. My dog has been specially trained to hold it up for me so I can type letters and articles for TBA, but sometimes he wants his squeaky toy… or sees a squirrel run past the window, and then I have to start all over again. I beg of you,Mr Cremator… have a heart,and stop adding to the abuse of us thalidomiders. We take this very seriously, and people like you thwart our efforts to make the public aware of our crises and how to remedy them. Please read this article and let me know what you think about thalidomide babies NOW..and what you can do to help us!

Sincerely, Paula Ann


Dear Mrs. Teenyarms,

What are you going to do, punch me?

I took your article and wiped my butt with it. Something I’m sure you wish you could do for yourself.

My advice to you is to get a new dog… one that can hold a gun to your head, since this is an impossibility for a freak such as yourself. I would never want to live without fully functioning limbs, and I’m sure you feel the same. Do yourself a favor, why don’t you?




Dear Cremator,

Why is a mouse when it spins?

Also, do fish have manners? I am thinking of getting my fish a neck tie for its birthday, but Im afraid it will think it was a thoughtless gift because my fish has no neck and is under water and so the tie will fall off all the time. I just want it to say thanks and not attack me over a neck tie.

Your friend in Mutton Sir H. Onionwizard, Trundlewheel Breeder.


Dear Shit Onion,

I have a special formula for you. Follow it to the letter, and all your problems (and one of mine) will be solved.

Take your fish and sit in front of gas stove. Blow out the pilot light and then turn the stove on “high.” The fumes from the main are what I like to call a “common element” twixt fish and man. Stick the fishbowl and your head inside the stove. Inhale deeply. Your fish will do the same. Soon, you will be talking with your fish and come to a very deep and meaningful understanding. Remember, keep inhaling the fumes until your fish tells you to stop. It might take awhile and you’ll get sleepy. Don’t worry, just go with it.




Dear Cremator,

Now I have a bit of a long lead in to my question, please bear with me. Since I started listening to Ghoul I’ve found that my girlfriend has started to pay more and more attention to the music the more I play it. I’ve even seen her sneak off with my copy of We Came For The Dead to the bathroom. Yes, that’s right, the bathroom. Last month she started asking me questions about the band and more specifically you. Some questions went as follows:

“Where do these Ghouls hang out?”

“How tall is Cremator?”

“Does Cremator have big hands?”

“Would you mind if I were to have an affair with Cremator? If not, how about a threesome?”

I don’t know what’s come over her. She’s started talking of running off and trying to find you just so she can experience what she calls your, “meat stick of death”.

Yesterday she even put up a huge poster of you playing live in our bedroom, on the ceiling above our bed. When we were copulating she screamed out your name and fainted.

What do I do Cremator?

Sincerely, Whiney in Winnipeg


Dear Emasculated by Your Betters,

This is one of those problems that is not easily fixable. I will need to face your confused girlfriend one-on-one. You must send her to Cremator. If you’re on a budget, just use a hatchet and mail her in a box sealed with wax paper.

Creamator is not picky.




Dear Cremator,

First off, I would like to say that you are my idol. I listen to the “We Came For The Dead!!!” CD all the time. I am even thinking about doing a cover of ‘Skull Beneath the Skin’ for the next album. Anyways, I think I have a problem… Whenever I walk into a room, small children always start crying or screaming. It’s not as if I touched them in any sort of… sexual.. manner. I have a picture located here:

So..? Do you have any idea of what’s wrong? I think it may be my eyes…

Sincerely, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop


Dear Jacko,

First off, your complete ignorance of metal history is something that offends me. Go ahead and try and do a cover of Ghoul’s “Skull Beneath the Skin,” and you will fail, for this song has never existed. This song is by Megadeth, you moonwalking cretin, and is loosely about the origin of their trademark character, Vic Rattlehead, who oddly enough, looks a lot like your picture.

I see nothing wrong with the way you look. Compared to the members of Ghoul, you are People Magazine’s Sexiest “man” alive. You are obviously a strong, proud black man and I would blame children’s racism for their fears. Such ebony hunks like yourself must face this problem a lot in America where systematic racism has kept people like you and Halle Berry poor and destitute.

In Creepsylvania, there are few black people. Instead, Ghoul is feared and spat upon, so I know your pain. Underneath this hood, I shed tears for all the prejudice we suffer as the “hooded menace.” Well, I would shed tears, if my tear ducts had not been burned off with half of my face.

My suggestion is to whip out your gigantic 14″ nubian schlong in front of these children and really show them who’s boss. If that doesn’t stop their crying, try burning off half their faces. It worked on me.




Der Cremator,

I got hit in da heed wit a bassbahl baht, what shoood I dooh? I Kan’tz feehl mhy theethf!


Brain Damaged in Arizona


Dear Brain Damaged in Arizona,

Are you sure you were not brain damaged before you got hit in the head? After all you are living in Arizona. It has been moi’s experience that to move to Arizona, one must be brain damaged. If your parents forced you to move there, then you will be brain damaged soon enough.

Do you people realize you live in a desert? Who lives in a desert? It’s too hot and you will soon die, while you drag yourself looking for water and a vulture circles your decaying body and then comically jump into what you think is an oasis, but really you are drinking sand. Sand. You people drink sand. Only brain damaged people drink sand. Well, in all fairness, also employees of Relapse Records.

You live a daily existence running from air-conditioned hovel, to air-conditioned car, to air-conditioned work, and get home in time to see the latest episode of Survivor where they are trapped in a desert while you drink carbonated sugar water and breathe in freon. You pig.

Even in our crypt under the Monte Noir Cemetary we are smarter than this… Digestor has hooked up a solar-powered air ventilation system and Fermentor has insulated the walls with old tires. I think they learned how on the Home and Garden channel.

I hate you people. I wish that bat would have killed you. My suggestion is to repeatedly bash your head into a ten-penny nail until you no longer plague my existence.




Dear Cremator,

my husband gets jealous whenever i have nazi role-play cyber sex with my boyfriends. could this be because he’s puerto rican?

Ready and Tempting San Diego, CA


Dear RAT,

Is he jealous of you, or disgusted? This is the real question. Sacres bleu, you are one dirty whore. Even in my homeland of France, where my grandfather, Pierre Cerveaudepoo, bent over and presented for the kraut armies, we did not put up with such abbhorent behavior as yours. I mean really, having sex with cyber-nerds? Even I am disgusted thinking of them sitting there, in their sour cream stained “I Grock Spock” shirt, one hand on their mouse, and the other hand on the device that moves a cursor around. I think you will find your husband is now what the French call “homosexuel” and what the British call “an average citizen.” You have obviously made him disgusted with womankind. Felicitations, slut.




Dear Cremator…
First off, let me say that you are my favorite bassist of all time. Secondly, I’m an aspiring bassist, and the band I’ve been playing in has said that they will kick me out soon if I do not get better equipment. I’ve got a combo amp and a Fender Jazz bass, which I think sound good. I’m poor, too… is there some way I can convince them to just have patience with me?

Terry (Portland, ME)


Dear Terry

Let me start off by saying covering your nose with my merde is no way to get favors from Cremator. So you’re an aspiring bass player? And your band says your equipment is not good enough? Sacre bleu! Have you considered YOU’RE not good enough? As an example, take this letter sent to moi shortly before yours…



Dear Cremator

My friends and I have just started a band called Maniaxe, in tribute to the best band in the world, Ghoul 🙂 The problem is our bass player Terry. You see… well, he sucks. He’s kind of deformed too, but not in a good way. He was a thalidomide baby, so he’s got these teeny arms, and he plays his bass up really high. Frankly, it’s creepy, and he sounds like garbage. We told him that his equipment sucks and we want to get rid of him because of it. We know he can’t afford new equipment because… well, he can’t get work with those flipper hands of his. Any advice as to how we can get rid of him and spare his feelings?

Jonathan (Portland, ME)


So you see, Terry, from the totally unrelated example, sometimes friends just want to spare other friends’ feelings by telling them bold-faced lies. You should appreciate this. But… if you think you are good, then I suggest trashing their equipment until it is equally shitty as your sissy combo amp and piece-of-crap Fender bass.
Fuck off




Dear Cremator,

My life is a wreck. I can’t hold a job, women laugh at me, I have dandruff and bad breath, and my bridgework picks up a Christian radio station. Now, to make matters worse, I’ve been disowned by my family. Can’t I get a break? What’s wrong with me?


Frustrated in Philly


Dear Frustrated,

I have a better question. What’s RIGHT with you?




Dear Cremator,

I’m a 17 year old guy who is in a real relationship for the first time. My girlfriend is the head cheerleader, has long blond hair, full lips, and is stacked. The problem is she’s always pressuring me for sex and I don’t think I’m ready. What should I do?

Signed, Confused in Canada


Dear Confused,

You are a homosexual. Find a nice guy from the wrestling team to shack up with. If your girlfriend is upset and needs advice, tell her I have an open door policy for 17 year old blond nymphomaniacs.




Dear Cremator,

My husband complains that I’m smothering him. What should I do?

Choked-up in Boston


Dear Choked-up,

Use a thicker pillow when you smother your husband and you won’t be able to hear him complain at all.




Anonymous responses:


Dear Lonely in Luxembourg,

I’ve never heard of anyone using a spatula to do that, but you have my blessing!


Dear Squeamish in Scotland,

Not unless you’re a Rabbi!


Dear Chuckling in Chelsea,

For the last time, I don’t have Prince Albert in a can! Now stop writing me.